The layoff

I guess I'm not done talking about the layoff.

You know what the most frustrating and irritating part of that lame duck/short timer/slow death (pick your metaphor) situation was? The ridiculous number of times I had to try and make other people feel better about the fact that I was losing my job. I don't know what I'm doing next and I decided to take a holiday break from looking for a job and/or digging into my soul for my life's purpose. Given the magnitude of trying to figure out what to do next, I don't understand why every joe at work thought it was a light, small talk, chatty conversation to ask me if I found a job yet. And these were people whose names I didn't even know, whose ID badges I was trying to sneak a quick glance at (side rant: always embarassing when you have to glance at someone's crotch region to try and glean their name from the plastic dangling from their waist. side rant #2: I really don't know an uncumbersome way to make the pronouns singular and gender-neutral in that last sentence). It's very weird that someone with whom I've shared no more than a "Mondays sure are hard" nudge at the coffee machine feels so comfortable probing me about my joblessness and life plans.

The first hundred times I tried to be honest, which required me to delve deeper into my "what am I doing with my life?" issues than felt appropriate or desirable for middle-of-the-hallway chats. I finally gave up and started offering a version of "I'm taking some time off". To a person, the response was always "Good for you!", a condescending little pat on the back. I was at least still being truthful and it was much more pleasant than starting a conversation that would lead a semi-stranger to ask "Well, what do you WANT to do?", like the fact that no one has ever asked me this question could be the reason I'm not fulfilling my dreams and desires.

Still working on what I WANT to do, but for now, I will continue to just take some time off.

My vacation day, nothing cynical about it

Today I arose at 11:15 to answer a phone call.
I took the dog out back for some tennis ball chasing.
I chatted with my brother about the upcoming holidays.
I made myself a Dee-licious grilled cheese and accompanied it with the best potato chips - those expensive Kettle ones that come in the brown bag. I watched the Food Network.
I drank French pressed gourmet coffee.
I wrapped Christmas presents while listening to Yo Yo Ma & Friends' "Songs of Joy and Peace". I drank a cocktail.
I took the dog for a long walk in the refreshing grey mist, admiring and judging Christmas decorations (oops, there's the cynical part).
I enjoyed a hot shower the way you only can after a walk in the grey mist.
I'm about to watch the DVR of my soap (commercial free!) with my cat in my lap.

I have confirmed what I have always feared: I quite enjoy being jobless.

I've signed away my right to bitch

Yesterday I signed and dated a document wherein I agreed not to badmouth, disparage, or speak ill of my employer in any way. I also agreed that I would not encourage any one else to badmouth, disparage, or speak ill of my employer in any way. I signed this document because it also contained the details of my severance package.

Now, I don't want to rush into breaking my legal agreement, but by my reference to severance, one might presume I could have an ill feeling or two towards said employer. Put frankly, you bastards fired me. How could I possibly refrain from sharing my honest opinion about how deeply you suck? Hell, the log-on password I have to type fifty times a day is the only joy in my waning workdays because it disparages my employer.

And really, how responsible can I be held for my role in others trashing on the company? When I've been jobless for months and my boyfriend tires of finding me on the couch watching soaps and comments on how sucky it was for that damn company to lay me off, am I responsible? When I head straight to the bar on my last day of employment and encourage friends and strangers to join me in a "Fuck You [name withheld for reasons of legal liability]" toast, can I be held liable?

Maybe it was dishonest of me to sign for the severance cash when I know full well I can't hold true to the enforced positive view of the company I am expected to present. I guess I'm okay with that.

I know it's cynical, but: "I've started a blog".

As tradition and cliche would have it, I'm evaluating my life and my voice in celebration of my birthday. So I've started a blog. I am pre-ashamed. I am ashamed for the spelling errors that my speedy typing efforts will allow me to miss. I am embarrassed by the grammar mistakes that my inspirational rambling will make me pass by without notice. I am sorry for the fact that I know, I KNOW, despite my hatred of them, that I will overuse 'unnecessary' quotation marks. But I promise you this: I will never - never - start a blog post with a Quote from someone else and then write seven paragraphs trying to say the same thing.